


nature is a language – can’t you read?

by viviolet



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: But this is me, Downtime Convesation, Found Family, Gen, caduceus may not be ready to talk and thats Fine but the nein need to make the effort, episode 106 spoilers, making them make the effort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25897588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viviolet/pseuds/viviolet
Summary: some quiet moments in rumblecusp, after the excitement has passed
Comments: 26
Kudos: 99





	nature is a language – can’t you read?

**Author's Note:**

> *cracks knuckles* if caduceus can’t have personal emotional bonding during an episode i’ll just have to do it myself 
> 
> title is from “ask” by the smiths

She presses the teapot into his hands after Vilya takes them across the island through the tree. Before he can thank her for it, Veth goes invisible with a wink and follows the druid into Vo.

Caduceus holds it for a very long time, gently polishing it with the end of his sleeve. He didn’t dare to hope to see it returned after it went missing. Vokodo had shown such little care for things of much personal value, and Caduceus still finds it hard to believe he’s holding his pot and it’s whole, ready to be used that night at his friends’ beck and call.

“I know you wouldn’t have asked for it.”

Veth’s voice, from an invisible source over his shoulder, startles Caduceus to his feet. She appears a moment later, kind smile and glittering eyes focused on his teapot. The rest of their friends were beginning to move towards the village. He hadn’t realized the amount of time that had passed.

He needs an excuse for why he’s risen to his feet and is still holding the teapot in the exact position she left him in. “I better pack this so it doesn’t crack.”

“I’d say you didn’t seem right without it.” Veth says slowly, watching his actions more than she watches his expressions. “But I think where it came from is more important than what you do with it.”

He wraps the cloth tightly; tries not to think too deeply about what she’s getting at because it _hurts_ , it hurts so badly.

“I forget.” She’s gentle and soft, entirely out of character, earning her a look from Caduceus. Veth just smiles. “You’re someone’s baby too, someone’s youngest son, and you really are so young when they look at you. We all forget that.”

She hasn’t talked about his family, none of them really had, since they met and he sent them back home. It tickles the back of his throat and brings tears to his eyes, so Caduceus has to look away for a moment. When he looks back, dry eyes, she understands that he can’t talk about it, even if he wants to.

“I’m thinking of getting rid of my flask.” Veth says, hand ghosting the pocket where she keeps it. “Can’t stomach the whiskey anymore.”

“That’s a pleasant thought.” Caduceus says with a slow nod. “Whiskey isn’t very good.”

He’s not sure why, but that gets a solid laugh out of Veth. She pats the side of his cheek fondly, like his mother used to, and they’re off to Vo, to help these people mourn their existence on this island.

She’s standing apart from the group as they spread out in the hut to count treasure. He finds himself walking over to her to provide her with company, so she can look a little less lonely.

“Hey.” Soft, melodic; Yasha’s cadence could soothe sick babes to sleep. “How are you holding up?”  
Caduceus gives her a gentle squeeze on the arm. “Shouldn’t I be asking you?”

“You always do.” She insists, hand coming up to tap the side of his head. “But now I’m asking you, and I mean up here.”

They’d both fell victim to Vokodo’s trickery, ran the risk of forgetting why they came. The torchbloom incident hadn’t been particularly pleasant either.

“Made me feel more for you, when you were with Obann.” He’s honest, won’t lie that undergoing mind magic had made Caduceus wonder how Yasha has survived that entire experience.

A gentle shove, one that even he with his poor strength can resist. “You’re doing as you always do. Fjord fought so very hard to keep you, but thankfully we also have Beau and Caleb.” She chuckles, shoulders shaking, reminds him of earlier that day with the white feathers, away from the direction she’s trying to take this conversation.

“Those wings,” he says, smiling when she blushes “Seeing them come into their glory was really something. You deserve it.”

“It hasn’t been easy.” Yasha says quietly. “Not for any of us.”

“No.” Caduceus agrees. “But you’ve had a tougher break than most.”

She looks at him like he’s not listening to her, but she’s not angry, just sad about it. “Haven’t we all.”

They lapse into silence, watching their friends pour gold and sort trays.

“If I can ever help with all of that,” he touches her temple, in the same place she touched his, “Let me know.”

She’s thoughtful for a moment. “I may join you in some meditation, talk to Kord while you speak with Melora.”

He nods. “Anytime, just let me know.” Praying together like that may be unorthodox, he can’t recall, but it doesn’t matter. This is Yasha, this is his friend, and she needs to be held more tightly than any of them for a good long while.

They’re interrupted to be informed that they have a diamond worth more than seven hundred gold pieces with them now. Not for the first time, Caduceus wishes for a better sense of economics.

“Fjord”

The half-orc standing next to him blinks as Caduceus places a hand on his shoulder to cut him off. “I can’t answer most of these. I can only tell you what I saw in you, when Uk’otoa had you, and what I think you deserved.”

“I suppose I knew that already. It’s just that Jester – “ He waves his hand and the way Fjord says her name hurts him and that doesn’t make any sense, Caduceus talks to her and about her constantly, their friends do so as well it shouldn’t hurt when Fjord talks about her. “She had all these really good questions and it also made me realize that I’ve never talked to you about anything like that.” He’s blushing now, shades of green in his face shifting. “Like where you come from with all of this.”

Caduceus tilts his head, left ear twitches like it always does when he stops to think. “I suppose the same place as Jester. From childhood.”

Fjord’s lip twitches just a moment before he points out the flaw in logic. “But it was your entire family, way of life. Jester just had this cloaked thing follow her around for so long.”

His attempt to hold back his small smile at the image of a large Lavorre family engaged in dedicated Traveler worship like Caduceus’s was with the Wildmother fails miserably. “Maybe that accounts for the difference in our relationships. Jester’s Traveler is personal, close, like an amigo. But Melora is a busy goddess, she gives all who love her what she can, it just comes out more distant because she is always busy.”

“But the vagueness of it all, it doesn’t frustrate you ever?” Fjord looks at him like he always does, a little full of awe, a little full of fear.

“I don’t know any other way. Nature is a language I was taught to read at a very young age.” Caduceus meditates on that for another beat. “Although, didn’t may be the better usage. Knowing you all, Jester especially, has opened me up to new ideas about worship.” If that makes it back to his aunt, he will be as good as tea fodder next time he makes it to the Blooming Grove, but Fjord deserves the truth, just like all of the Mighty Nein do. Especially when it doesn’t hurt Caduceus to give it.

“The three of us should sit around together, really talk some of this out.” Fjord insists. “I think it would be good, the chance to learn from one another.”

And Caduceus agrees as he always does, he can’t remember the last time he was capable of saying no to Fjord.

He catches him during their midday rest, after items have been identified and distributed.

“Sorry about the staff.” Caleb is apologetic, using that tone he uses when he feels like he’s done something unforgivable. Caduceus is trying to work him past this.

And for something so insignificant as well. “I didn’t need it, it’s like I told Fjord, if I have to use a weapon then there’s a lot more going wrong.” Caduceus is not one to be of so high thought of himself that he thinks he can fight his way out of any situation. He would never ask for that staff, not for something that special and rare when more capable hands are in front of him.

A head full of copper hair is shaking at him. “No, but you give us all gifts. The tea. You went looking for personal affects in our loot.”

“It’s what I do.” Caduceus insists and Caleb sends the cat over to him, and fey or not, Caduceus can’t stop himself from giving the good kitty some sweet attention.

“Ja, we all know. And next time, I’m going to make a better effort to do it for you” He’s being too honest, something that always made Caduceus uncomfortable.

“You don’t need to.” He insists, as Frumpkin pushes up into his hand.

“I know.” Caleb’s expression indicates this. Then, after a beat. “Veth has promised to do her best to keep her fancy new bolts for causing you, ah, personal peril, if you will.”

That gets a full-belly laugh out of the both of them. They slide into a comfortable silence, the only sound being Frumpkin’s vicious purrs.

When he sees the blue tiefling next, she’s planning out his future island residency. Down to the shape and softness of pillows, of all things.

“We could do a fancy little tea garden for all your plants too.” Jester’s waving her hands in the air now, looking for her sketchbook so she can draw it out.

“Mm.” Caduceus closes his eyes at the thought. “Sounds nice.”

Her hand goes to his, causing Caduceus to open his eyes to look at her “If that’s what you want.” Jester says, tone serious and eyes even more so.

“Of course I do, is that even a question?” With all little he’s known, that keeps him close to home. To ask for any thing more or different would be selfish, and Caduceus is the giver.

Jester gives the top of his hand a pat, before saying softly, “Yes, but the asking is still important. You had to remind me of that, several times today.”

“It’s good to see you growing.” Caduceus says honestly, watching her eyebrow furrow as she tries to work out a detail on the page.

“You know.” Jester muses, book open and charcoal in hand as she designs a little greenhouse. “I know you say you don’t know how old you are, but I feel like we’re both doing the same thing right now.”  
Caduceus nods. “Leaving home, seeing the world, trying to keep the rest of the Nein from falling apart.”

“You’re a much better cleric.” Jester snorts, bitter but not directed at him. “Remembering your healing spells, got worship all figured out.”

“Jester.” Caduceus says firmly. Negative self-talk is one thing he doesn’t tolerate in this group. “You’re so young, and the whole point of this adventure we’re having is to learn. To experiment with styles, figure out what makes you happiest. If it’s not what you were doing before and how you were doing it, that’s more than okay. We’re your friends, we’re going to support you through anything. And any one of us would gladly go to battle with The Traveler like we did for Vokodo.”

Jester abandons her drawing, looks him directly in the eye. All hurt is gone from her expression and voice, it was feigned he realizes, and she slowly says, “Listen. To. Yourself.”

He smiles, nods like he understands and ruffles her hair to elicit a patented Jester giggle.

“Make sure you include a way for me to make cappuccino for Beau, or our monk will be very drowsy every afternoon.” Caduceus says on his way outside, deciding he’ll look for Vilya to help her with departure bags.

As she watches him go, Jester’s heart that’s too large for her chest breaks just a little bit more. She’s a very good liar herself, she knows what it looks like in other people.

She tricks him by asking for tea, and Beau would feel smugger about it working if it didn’t twist her stomach into knots. That he agrees, accepts her conversation because he sees this as his role for them. Therapist and brewer, not allowed to want for himself or be spoken to with care. How did it get like this and she didn’t notice?

“What’s with the “I don’t think it’s healthy to be leaving so quickly,” attitude, Caduceus?” She asks him, acting like her first sip didn’t burn off half her taste buds.

Caduceus has the wisdom to blow on his cup first. “Whatever do you mean, Beau?” He’s keeping a casual eye on her new staff, evidently not eager to be the second person she’d use it on.

She stares at him in disbelief for how obtusely he’s playing this. “You didn’t see your family for decades, then when we rescued them, we could barely get you to be with them for 24 hours, let alone let us be with you and them.” Beau has her suspicions, but she won’t give them so freely that Caduceus could go regulate and change his behavior so she can’t notice how he’s feeling anymore.

He blinks at her slowly, like a cat trying to show it trusts you. Beau’s just glad he didn’t spook like one of the cellar tomcats, or Frumpkin when someone sneezes too hard near him. She’s struck a nerve then, clearly surprised him.

Caduceus won’t talk to her about this, he can’t. Travelercon is about to happen and they all need to be focused, they don’t have time for him to break down. He just can’t believe he let his calm demeanor slip and that Beau noticed.

“You’re not the only perceptive one.” She’s smiling at him, Caduceus is still unsure if it’ll ever look natural on her face, but he’s glad it’s directed towards him, nevertheless.

“I get it.” Beau adds, after a beat. “I thought you were the youngest, when we first met you and you mentioned siblings. But I should have known.” She’s looking at him now, over her teacup, strength of her gaze unavoidable. “Always quick to fold in on yourself, sacrifice and give everything until you have nothing left. Classic middle child behavior.”

Caduceus snorts, needs to divert this line of questioning. “Please, you were an only child until your baby brother TJ.” And she’s so close to being right he needs to push her away, even if that goes against all the work he’s been trying to do for their group. “What would you know of that?”

He’s not talking about siblings and they both know that. It’s perhaps the cruelest Caduceus has ever been to one of them, but he sounds so hurt even in his anger that to explode on him for it would still feel wrong.

Beau sits in silence for a very long time, before she reaches over to gently pat his knee. “Okay Deuecy. Not today. But soon,” she’s wagging a finger as she rises from their cross-legged position, “you’re going to be honest when we ask about your feelings.”

**Author's Note:**

> call it too strongly identifying with a character, i just want someone to talk to caduceus about his feelings
> 
> comments and kudos are always loved, i'm [somecommonbitch](https://somecommonbitch.tumblr.com) on tumblr and always down to talk about everyone's favorite pink-haired firbolg


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